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Doctor- I Don’t Think I Can Handle Another Game #7

Capital's Netminder, Braden Holtby (Photo by Patrick McDermott - Getty Images)


Actually, I didn’t do so well through game #6 between the Boston Bruins and the Washington Capitals. It’s just so excruciating. And with hockey, there’s no time for rest- for the players or for the fans. A mad rush on goal is the next second’s defensive collapse. And vice versa. For three friggin’ hours.

And these teams are so evenly matched, it’s ridiculous. Never before in the entire history of the National Hockey League have six playoff games in a single series each been decided by one goal.

I do think Cap’s coach, Dale Hunter, has the right attitude and maybe that’s what really matters. He says “you have to enjoy it.” “It” being the opportunity to even be in a game #7. Certainly, the Caps have exceeded all expectations already.

So…yeah…you players…go on and enjoy this. As for me, I’ll be sitting on the edge of the couch either screaming or crying, hyperventilating as I pace around the living room, biting my nails, or answering phone calls in a totally unfriendly manner (the audacity of anyone ringing or texting me during playoff hockey is more than I can fathom).

I don’t know what you call all that….but I don’t classify it, technically, as fun. There is, however, an intriguing possibility. What if they win? It could happen, you know.

There is a victory dance I have developed in recent weeks after Caps and Nationals wins. It frightens my pets and simultaneously startles and amuses my girlfriend, but I have danced this dance many times in the month of April already. It’s a combination of the Twist and the Mashed Potato, and involves a lot of gyrating arm and wrist action with considerable doses of White Man Overbite.

It’ll be that or sitting in my chair in the bedroom/office. In the dark. Shaking my head. Don’t make me go there, Caps. Please. I would respectfully ask that you ignore any past histories, omens, jinxes and victim mentalities and jam that little black puck in the Bruin net early and often.

Go. Red.

Cravitz Family Goes On National Sightseeing Tour

June 1, 2011 1 comment

We make too much of this Sarah Palin Bus Tour business. She’s just taking a little family vacation. Who hasn’t taken a summer to load the kids up in a garishly-painted bus with mom’s signature next to the preamble of the Constitution of the United States?

Regrettably for the Cravitz family of Columbus, Ohio, they also decided to take an RV tour across the country at the same time. Organizers of the Memorial Day Rolling Thunder event looked puzzled as Mrs. Cravitz emerged from their vehicle in her curlers asking about their placement in the parade of Harleys across Memorial Bridge.

The Cravitz family trip to the National Archives building was, frankly, a disappointment. Some important lady was in the Archives building at the same time, and the usually lengthy crowds snaked around five blocks instead of the usual two. With temperatures nearing 100 degrees, they pretty much gave up and decided to drive to Gettysburg National Battlefield Park instead.

While visiting the battlefield they ran into a colorfully painted bus in a parking lot and toured that and then it was off to New York City. There, they saw several buildings named Trump, drove down to Times Square, but for the life of them could not find a seat at La Famigilia Pizzeria, which was just as well because they sensed something odd about the place when they saw a man with orange hair and a woman with a beehive hairdo eating pizza with forks.

The Cravitz’s were last seen headed toward Boston but almost got in an accident when they had an uncomfortably close call with a colorfully-painted bus, followed by another bus with big red letters that spelled ‘CNN’ and 10 or 12 other vehicles that looked like vans with big metal poles on top of them.

“Hey, wasn’t that the bus we toured at Gettysburg?” asked Mrs. Cravitz. “Yeah, I think these people are following us.” responded Mr. Cravitz. “Why would anyone want to follow us on our family vacation to historic places along the East Coast?” queried Mrs. Cravitz. “It’s insane, I tell you.” said Mr. Cravitz. “Let’s get the heck out of here and go to a couple of places nobody goes to in the summertime….New Hampshire and Iowa!”