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Posts Tagged ‘Bin Laden’

Moving Mayhem- Dust Bunnies & Memories


I took a few days to relocate within the DC area over the weekend, moving from Chinatown to Arlington- my 8th relocation in 10 years and I’ve pretty much had it with this process. I mean how many times in one day can you possibly forget where you put your keys and your cell phone?

One of the fun things about apartment renting is always the exit; the pre-inspection inspection and then the actual inspection inspection. Everything was good for the pre-inspection inspection as there was still furniture. Post-move, I’ve never seen so many dust bunnies packed into 900 square feet; how does that happen? Thanks to Jiffy Maids, I’ll yet retain my dignity.

And I got indirectly serenaded during my last night in Chinatown. It was the final night of Police Week in Washington and law enforcement people from every corner of the country had gathered for various observances, ceremonies and, apparently-parties. No doubt, for this one week, I lived on the safest block in America. I’ve never seen so many cops in one place.

Saturday night- they blew it out big time. It was actually 2am Sunday, and I couldn’t sleep anyway, but the unmistakable strains of bag pipes permeated the whole neighborhood. It was, in fact, one of the nicest renditions of Amazing Grace I’ve ever heard on bag pipes. And when the guy finished, you could hear the inebriated roar of a crowd that must have counted 200. Extremely inspiring.

Ah, Chinatown- I’ll miss you, you big lug. Over my year and a half living next to the Verizon Center and overlooking an alley next to one of the most raucous clubs in DC, I’ve heard everything from knife-fights and arrests to blaring car horns after every Caps home-playoff victory (that would be 4 times over two years). I’ll miss Chinatown Express; the best, greasiest Chinese food ever. That’s the restaurant with the guys in the windows making noodles next to the hanging dead ducks and chickens.

While I entered the great moving vortex, I see I missed some important current events. They found Osama bin Laden’s “huge” stash of porn and I just learned Donald Trump has decided not to run for President. Smart move, Donald. And as for Osama- who knew the world’s #1 terrorist was pretty much a hypocritical, dirty old man? Nice legacy, bin Laden.

So all is right with the world, I’m moved in- I have cable and access to the world wide web. On to the boxes.

Message to OBL

January 26, 2010 2 comments

So Osama Bin Laden has sent us another message. As his face appeared on the TV screen, I got a real sense of irritation and annoyance. I am not scared of him. I am bored to tears with him. He is so lame. Like a pesky fly you can’t get rid of. Anyway, he’s sent so many messages over the years, but I’m not sure anyone has sent one back.

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Yo, Bin Laden:

I don’t know your exact location these days, but wherever it is, I’m hoping it’s damp and uncomfortable. Got your latest message. I see you are taking responsibility for the “underwear” bomber guy who tried to take out a Northwest Airlines plane over Detroit.

I don’t know if you noticed, oh brilliant one, but the attack was a masterpiece of incompetent failure. Your genius buddies at your Yemen franchise designed a faulty fuse that caused your brave would-be bomber to pretty much burn his own genitals beyond recognition. As if that were not pathetic enough, you apparently feel the need to elbow your way into the limelight by trying to take credit for this abysmal failure.

Everybody knows you had nothing to do with it. We know you are in a cave or some crappy little hovel in western Pakistan, running to the next super-duper-top-secret-location every time one of our predators drops a bomb within ten miles of you. With your every waking hour dedicated to self-preservation, I don’t think you could coordinate a two-car parade, much less an intricate terrorist plot.

I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve dropped your recent concerns about Iraq and Afghanistan and are back to the Palestinian thing. You used to be angered about U.S. military personnel in Saudi Arabia. Your message discipline is all over the place. You are not rallying the great masses, you are boring and confusing them into a stupor.

Anyway, worst of luck to you and your independent franchises around the world. May your nights be long and really scary and the wind always in your face.

Categories: Terrorism Tags: , ,