Home > Humor/Satire, Sports > The Story You Will Never Read: Redskins Owner Steps Down

The Story You Will Never Read: Redskins Owner Steps Down

Snyder announces he is banishing himself to his $70 million yacht.

Snyder announces he is banishing himself to his $70 million yacht.

In a stunning display of maturity and personal awareness, despicable Washington Redskins owner, Daniel F. Snyder, today fired his head coach then himself.  “You pretty much have to fire a coach who finished with a 3-13 season,” said Snyder.  “But the real problem has been me all along,” he announced to a shocked gaggle of scribbling reporters.

“From day one, I have let my gigantic ego, some would call it Napoleonic in nature, interfere with every aspect of our operations,” admitted Snyder.  “I will confess that a strategy of bringing in tremendously overpriced free agents well past their prime may have backfired.  It is also possible that giving preferential treatment to certain star players may have been, er, misinterpreted and might have been demoralizing to other lesser players in the locker room.”

Snyder, however, refused to apologize for suing Redskins season-ticket holders for failure to make payments after losing their jobs during the recession, saying that the team’s dismal performance had otherwise provided him little joy besides crushing and annihilating the powerless.

Snyder also stood by his decision to have once banned all signs at FedEx field critical of him or the team.  “There’s a cost to free speech,” said Snyder.  “You can think all the bad thoughts you want about me and my horrendous track record as a conniving, profiteering schmuck, but you can do that in the privacy of your hovel and certainly not in my beautiful stadium.”

In his shocking announcement that he would sell the team, Snyder raised eyebrows even further, when he disclosed he was becoming principle owner of City Paper, a publication he once sued for libel.  “City Paper, I assure you, will spend the next ten years correcting the historical record to what it should be in my mind.”

Asked to enumerate the many reasons for his consistent failure as an owner in less than 3 hours or so, Snyder demurred, saying only that his biggest fault was loving the Redskins too, too much.

“My love for this team and for the Native American people of America has possibly blinded me.  The great passion I have felt for the team and all the oppressed Indian tribes they have always represented may have led me to take impetuous actions from time to time.  So blame me for caring too much,” he concluded as he wiped away a single, sad, yet symbolic tear.

  1. Mike McCay
    December 31, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    In a stunning follow-up, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced that he was forming a holding company to purchase the Washington franchise with the goal of using it as a farm team for the Cowboys.

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