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The Least Racist Man in America

“I am the least racist person there is.” Donald Trump today on Fox News Channel’s morning show. Admirably clever sentence, but honestly, at this point, I highly recommend some media training might be in order.

And it might go something like this:

Media consultant: So Mr. Trump, I understand people have been unfairly labeling you as a racist.

Donald Trump: It’s the damndest thing. I don’t understand it. I have a great relationship with the blacks, as a matter of fact….

Media consultant: W-w-ait, one second, sir. Did, did, you just say “the blacks?” You haven’t actually said that in public have you?

Donald Trump: Sure did. Went on a radio show a couple of weeks ago-and it’s true, I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.

Media consultant: I see. I would suggest a slightly different turn of phrase, perhaps something more like, “I’ve always had a great relationship with the black community.”

Donald Trump: Hey, that’s good. The blacks do kind of have their own little community. Yeah, I like that.

Media consultant: Are there other things you’ve said in the media on the subject of race relations?

Donald Trump: Oh yeah. I was on with Fox and Friends this morning. I have my own little corner of the show. I told them the truth too. Told them I was the least racist person there is.

Media consultant: You used the word, “least,” did you? May I recommend an outright denial? Something like: “I am NOT racist.” “Least” racist sort of implies everyone in America is a racist and that of all the racists; you are the most tolerant of them. It’s kind of a mixed message.

Donald Trump: Huh.

Media consultant: What else did you say on this Fox and Friends show?

Donald Trump: Here’s the beauty part. Complete total proof I am the least racist person, ever. Randal Pinkett won, as you know, on The Apprentice a little while ago, a couple of years ago. And Randall’s been outstanding in every way. So I am the least racist person.

Media consultant: You said that? And Mr. Pinkett is an African-American?

Donald Trump: Oh yeah. He’s one of the blacks I know.

Media consultant: I see. What do you think started this whole racism thing?

Donald Trump: It started about the same time I asked the President of the United States to provide a birth certificate to prove he’s one of us- you know, American.

Media consultant: Why would you do that? Didn’t the White House already post his birth certificate some three years ago?

Donald Trump: That was a short-form certificate of live birth. Not the same thing as a long-form certificate. But I am very proud of myself. I made the President produce his birth certificate…the real one.

Media consultant: So the birth certificate matter is over for you?

Donald Trump: Well, yeah. But now there’s the matter of the college records I want released. I hear the President was a lousy student and no one really knows how he got into Harvard.

Media consultant: Mr. Trump, at this point let me offer some historical background. There was a time in this country when people of color, had to offer certain proof of things that others didn’t. Like that they were smart enough to do things like- vote. Sometimes they were made to take literacy tests. Others, to this day- people who look a little different than the rest of us, are asked for certain papers to prove they’re actually U.S. citizens. There’s a certain historical sensitivity about minority individuals having to provide extra proof about things.

Donald Trump: Damn. These are great ideas.

Media consultant: Some may take it wrongly or out of context, that you’re implying the President got academic opportunities other didn’t, just because he’s African-American.

Donald Trump: Yeah, well….in my family, the way it’s done is you, like, buy a college a library or a gym or something like that. Two, two and half a million dollars in a “charitable contribution” can go a long way, you know. It’s not fair people can get into colleges without making extra donations, if you know what I mean.

Media consultant: Well is that it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, well, there’s the basketball thing.

Media consultant: The basketball thing?

Donald Trump: Yeah, I said that with people really hurting in this economy, while they’re paying four dollars a gallon for gas, maybe the President ought to spend a little less time on the basketball court.

Media consultant: You didn’t.

Donald Trump: And on my Celebrity Apprentice show last night….I don’t know how this happened…but I ended up firing two black people, Star Jones and LaToya Jackson. And a third one quit, that woman with Housewives of Atlanta, or whatever it’s called. But there’s still one left!

Media consultant: One what?

Donald Trump: One of the blacks. One of the blacks is left- the little rapper guy.

Media consultant: Mr. Trump, it really has been nice meeting you. At this point, I’m going to turn you over to someone else in our PR firm- someone who specializes in damage control….you know, containing issues that could be publicly embarrassing.

Donald Trump: Damage control? Did I damage something? What? Did I embarrass somebody?

Notes and disclaimers: Though many of the Donald Trump quotes are actual responses to questions he’s given over the past month or so, some of these are purely fictional. He has not come out in support of literacy tests for voting purposes and I have no idea how Trump got into the Wharton school, though his son-in-law was admitted to an Ivy League university shortly after a $2.5 million donation from his father. It’s outlined in detail in the book, The Price of Admission , by Wall Street Journal education writer, Daniel Golden.

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