Garcia Media Life

Howard Stern was on with Jon Stewart last night bragging that he almost landed an interview with Charlie Sheen. Howard, my man, you should know you are the only one in America who has not yet landed an interview with Charlie Sheen.

From the Alex Johnson Radio Show, GMA, The Today Show, TMZ, Access Hollywood, E!, and Piers Morgan Tonight…find the real Charlie Sheen quote. I’m also working on a special Charlie Sheen edition of Mad Libs.

A) “I’m sorry, man, I’ve got magic. And I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air.”

B) “Hey, man, I’ve got lightening in my ninja-like knuckles. I’m an Apache helicopter, dude.”

C) “When I’m napping, bro- I’m a Stealth fighter. But if you infiltrate my slumber or my family, you’re a dead weasel.”
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A) “I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen.” It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

B) “I am on a drug. It’s called ‘blow’ and it’s making me say really insane things.”

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A) “…At this point, because of psychological distress, it’s $3 million an episode – take it or leave it. Look what they’ve put me through.”

B) “Gosh, heck, I love my work…I’d do it for free.”

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A) “I got tiger blood, man. My brain fires in a way that is – I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.”

B) “I got panda blood, man. My paws will embrace you in my stark naked madness.”

C) “I am Tony the Tiger…I used to be on cereal boxes, man.”

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A) “Women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed … She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

B) “Birds are not to be caged, they’re to roam free…like free-range chickens.”

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A) “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”

B) “I am war-ravaged night goggles, dude.”

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A) “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently. If you infiltrate and try to hurt my family, I will murder you violently.”

B) “If you hang with me, you will party violently. If you split my scene, forget the limo and may a taxi claim your life just as violently.”

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A) “They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives, and then they look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will, stop trying. Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

B) “They take their ugly kids to ugly soccer games in their ugly mini-vans and they see this F-18 jet fighter swooping down over them and they’ll try to process it, but they can’t deal with the man with lightening in his fingers.”

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A) “They’re trying to destroy my family, so I take great umbrage with that. And defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock.”

B) “So what if my family is three gorgeous, drop-dead she-cats? If they infiltrate our nuclear circle they won’t know what hit them. They picked a fight with a lightening-fast hyena.”

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Correct Answers: 1 (A), 2(A), 3(A), 4(A), 5(A), 6(A), 7(A), 8 (A), 9 (A)

Update: Just in–Howard Stern got his Charlie Sheen interview this morning, officially joining everyone in America with a microphone.