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Message to OBL

So Osama Bin Laden has sent us another message. As his face appeared on the TV screen, I got a real sense of irritation and annoyance. I am not scared of him. I am bored to tears with him. He is so lame. Like a pesky fly you can’t get rid of. Anyway, he’s sent so many messages over the years, but I’m not sure anyone has sent one back.

—————–

Yo, Bin Laden:

I don’t know your exact location these days, but wherever it is, I’m hoping it’s damp and uncomfortable. Got your latest message. I see you are taking responsibility for the “underwear” bomber guy who tried to take out a Northwest Airlines plane over Detroit.

I don’t know if you noticed, oh brilliant one, but the attack was a masterpiece of incompetent failure. Your genius buddies at your Yemen franchise designed a faulty fuse that caused your brave would-be bomber to pretty much burn his own genitals beyond recognition. As if that were not pathetic enough, you apparently feel the need to elbow your way into the limelight by trying to take credit for this abysmal failure.

Everybody knows you had nothing to do with it. We know you are in a cave or some crappy little hovel in western Pakistan, running to the next super-duper-top-secret-location every time one of our predators drops a bomb within ten miles of you. With your every waking hour dedicated to self-preservation, I don’t think you could coordinate a two-car parade, much less an intricate terrorist plot.

I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve dropped your recent concerns about Iraq and Afghanistan and are back to the Palestinian thing. You used to be angered about U.S. military personnel in Saudi Arabia. Your message discipline is all over the place. You are not rallying the great masses, you are boring and confusing them into a stupor.

Anyway, worst of luck to you and your independent franchises around the world. May your nights be long and really scary and the wind always in your face.

Categories: Terrorism Tags: , ,
  1. janice
    January 26, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Hilarious. Brilliant. Well done.

  2. Roz Stark
    January 27, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Great work, Robert. I’ll always think of you–and our other RTNDF friends (oops, I mean RTDNF)–when I think of that awful day when OBL hit us hard. You’re right; it’s comforting to think of him and his cronies in damp, dark caves, where I hope they stay forever.

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